So today when I woke up I was really pleased to know that my package from http://www.nastygal.com had finally arrived. I was in a great mood because I couldn’t wait to try on my new shoes and dress that I had been contemplating ordering since October – because they were pretty expensive to my standard, especially when you add the $60 custom fee I had to pay… grrrrrr. Anyways, I raced up to my room tearing open the package. The dress was completely wrinkled but I had expected that. When I tried it on though, the dress immediately swallowed my entire body with the excess fabric ESPECIALLY in the chest region. Honestly, for some people trying to lose weight, such as myself this would seem like a great sign! However, for me it was just a low blow that depressed me for the rest of the night.
Ok so I didn’t really think that my first diary entry would be about my boobs but here we go… back when I was a lot heavier my boobs were a full C cup and I was so proud, not too big – not too small, just right. I used to think it was my best asset! Now that I have lost over 50 lbs, my boobs are so small – that if there were about 3 letters in the alphabet before A, that would be my size! Honestly, my boob is like swimming around in the smallest cup I can find… it’s sad!
So to put things into perspective for you, I’m 5’3 and at my heaviest I was 163 lbs and that is when I had my full C cup. Then, in 2011 I got sick of being overweight so I decided to completely change my lifestyle and I dropped 43 lbs. At this weight (120 lbs – for those like me who are too lazy to do the math), my boobs shrank to a size B. For me this was completely fine because it made them in proportion with my new body. However, at my current weight, 109 lbs – which I just recently became, my boobs are completely non-existent. Some people would say “well go back to 120 lbs” well the problem with that is, at 120 and even now at 109, my hips are much much larger than my top half and looks so strange therefore, taking my height and bone structure into consideration (I’m extremely petite), I think the best weight for me is 100 lbs and that’s what I’m aiming for. I mean the damage is already done with my boobs, there is no way possible for them to shrink any more. The only part left that’s chubby is my thighs and hips. It’s always interesting though, being at both ends of the spectrum; before being too large to fit into any of the clothes I liked, and now being too small.
Back at 120 though, my body looked amazing in dresses. Now, everything is too big and shapeless and just drapes on my body. I feel so discouraged because before when I was overweight, I used to get made fun of and I felt so unattractive and now that I took control over my body, I am too thin (in certain areas) and still feel unattractive and ashamed. There’s no way to fix this. Also even when I was 120, (which is not fat at all) guys who I dated also used to tease me and tell me I need to lose weight. Like it’s really rude, I just lost 43 lbs and totally transformed my body and life and then to hear that I’m still not good enough or still “too fat” is just disheartening. So now I’m 109 lbs and I look totally different from when I was 120 lbs and now I hear comments (from the same guys as before) telling me I have no boobs… like seriously. As women, sometimes we have to sacrifice one thing for the other so I traded my love handles and saddle bags for my boobs, sorry that we cannot chose where we want to lose weight!
Anyways, I feel that it is important to mention here that I did not lose weight for anyone other than myself. And I’m still “transforming.” My goal is to own a swimsuit and wear it in public for the first time in my life. So I’m giving myself these months to get toned and in shape for the summer. I’m doing good things for myself and doing it in a safe and healthy way but I there are bound to be bumps along the way and today I experienced one of those bumps. Sometimes I feel like getting a breast augmentation but then I know I will be judged and ridiculed by my family so for now I’ll just have to stuff my bra. (just kidding) I still have a long ways to go with making myself beautiful on the inside and learning to love myself. This entry just reflects how I am feeling in this particular moment in time and I felt that the healthy thing to do is share it. Wish me luck with my journey and thanks for listening to me while I go through these emotions♡