Diary: Please leave me alone

I’m sure we have all experienced the torturous feeling of trying to get over someone who has hurt you.For me, it seems that ever since I lost all my weight in 2011, I find myself doing that more than not. Before I get into this I wan’t to apologize to anyone who may be reading my blog posts lately. It seems that I am always writing about boys. Well I guess it is true, but your going to have to get used to it because being a single girl in her early twenties, It’s inevitable to have some ‘love issues.’ It may be pathetic to have my mood constantly affected by boys, but it’s empowering to write about it here in the open instead of suffering in silence. So here is my story about love and loss. It’s one of many stories that I can share on the subject as it seems to be a re-occurring theme in my life. However, this particular situation is one that is currently plaguing me.

I have been on and off with this guy since December 2012. When I first met him though, I never in a million years thought we would ever be anything other than friends; but then as it so often happens, one thing led to another and then “BAM” things just got complicated. Actually, he was staying at my home with my family and I during Christmas. I felt bad because he was a billion miles away from his home in Korea and had no place to stay (beside his dorm room). Because I didn’t want my good friend to be alone during the holidays, I offered for him to stay with us. At that time my heart belonged to another guy I had met in Korea during the summer, who had just moved to Vancouver. I had my money saved and I was planning to buy a ticket to visit him on boxing day (December 26), but as usual, things changed and I had ended up having to cancel. However, I was somewhat glad because that meant my friend could stay at my house with me and my family longer. One night we were watching a movie on the couch in my room, as we did every night during his stay. But this night something was different. Usually, I would leave my room (where he was staying) early-ish to go to bed (in the living room). I did this for different reasons: 1. because I was afraid that something could happen and I didn’t want to encourage it especially since he wasn’t my type AND I already loved someone else, and 2. I have already been down that road before, my room late at night + an attractive guy + a movie… we all know where this is going, been there done that. However, this particular night I did not leave early like I was supposed too… we ended up watching more than one movie and it was getting later and later, my parents were already downstairs asleep. The movie I chose this time was not the usual ‘safe’ movie that we would watch, it was the movie ‘The Ugly Truth”. The sexual tension in the air was building and was thicker than fog.

Since English was not his first language, he kept asking me what certain words used in the movie meant, words I felt uncomfortable explaining to him. I could feel it so strongly – the tension and I could tell he was feeling it too. I knew very well why I wasn’t leaving and going to bed as I usually would around this time. I also knew why I chose to watch this kind of movie with very sexual undertones. Because to me he just seemed too innocent. It was probably only because he wasn’t using his native language with me and he didn’t know enough English to show me other sides of himself but I think I was doing this because I felt that it was  risqué to try and provoke him to see if a wild side existed. Well it did. The first thing he did was grab my hand during our conversation after the movie. I could feel what was coming next and I kind of froze. I wasn’t really sure how to react as I really didn’t expect him to like me in that way, in fact that is why I was being so bold, because I didn’t think it was possible. Then, in mid conversation he started kissing me… and I’m not going to go into any more details from that night or any of the nights that followed. But lets just say this kind of thing happened a lot. That Christmas was so special, I felt like I had a boyfriend because we would hold hands in public, have cute pet names for each other and other cute things exclusive to couples. However, after Christmas, he went back to living in his dorm at his University (which is 8 hours away) but we would talk on the phone every night for hours and we both made an effort to visit each others town whenever we had the chance. I went to stay with him for about a week during New Years, and he came back to stay with my during our break in February. It was his first time driving to my house. The last time he took a 10 hour bus ride but this time he decided to drive. He was so nervous because he never drove that long of a distance before. He didn’t know how his car would hold up and he was fairly new to Canada so he was unfamiliar with the roads. However, I decided to meet him half way and we drove back together, it was so sweet, and I felt so special that he went through all that trouble just to see me. At that time I was living on campus of my Uni instead of with my parents. Since it was our break, my roommates all left and went back to their home towns to see their families, so it was just me and him there. It felt like we were a married couple. I would cook for him, we would go grocery shopping together and we would watch tv together every night before we would fall asleep. It was so cute.

However, he made sure to come up with every excuse in the book as to why we could never become more than that. And by ‘that’ I actually don’t even understand what ‘that’ was… But still somehow managed to string me along by filling my mind with hope. He had me right where he wanted me.

All I knew was that I was falling in love with him fast and I quickly forgot all about the ‘Vancouver guy’. At that time though, I didn’t understand that to him it was more of a game: Korean guy comes to Canada for the first time and eventually meets a hopelessly romantic white girl who is open-minded toward Asian guys. After months of being lonely, the desperation starts to build more and more inside of him. Me being the easy target, seemed like a good place to fulfill that growing need inside of him. Sure he is a good person, a great person actually but I remember he told me that the main reason why we couldn’t be together was because I had my path all laid out for me, I knew what I wanted to do and that was to go to Korea to teach, but he wasn’t sure what he wanted and he didn’t want his uncertainty to get in the way of my dreams. Seems selfless right? Well if that is the case why does he now have a girlfriend who is a Chinese exchange still living here in Canada, while he is now living back in Korea? What about me? He didn’t even officially end whatever it was that we had, he just cut me off randomly and I didn’t even get any closure. I had to find out about his girlfriend the hard way during one of our conversations and the news cut through my heart like a knife. I guess he figured since we were nothing all along, it would be a clean break. He got all the benefits of a relationship while with me but didn’t have to face any of the consequences because ‘technically’ we were nothing.

I just can’t help but ask myself, what is wrong with me? Why did he choose her instead? Why did he use me over and over and drop me suddenly for her when he knew I was in love with him? Why did he make me believe that he felt the same way but was just being sincere and selfless and that’s why we couldn’t be together?

I know he values our friendship, I’m just not so sure that I’m ready to be his friend because I still have feelings that I’m trying to make disappear. I also know he thinks highly of me and only wants the best for me but why did he toy with me over and over and not even once consider my feelings?

Anyways, next month I will be moving to South Korea, where he is living now. The last time I saw him we were doing things couples do, I wonder what will happen this time. It seems as though he can’t wait for me to go there because he keeps asking me all the time when is the exact day I will be going there because he want’s to see me. He even offered me to stay at his house with his family for a couple weeks. I don’t feel comfortable talking to him though and I feel so mad that he can just talk to me so easily as though nothing at all happened between us. I want to avoid him and ignore him so I never write him first, but he always seems to write me a message and I feel that I can’t NOT talk to him. It’s so hard – I want to get over him, I want to punish him for using me, I want to hate him and I want to move on to not feel the pain anymore. But he just wont leave me alone!

Stephanie xox

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Diary: There must be a full Moon tonight because I am feeling all kinds of weird…

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I have never been a person who shares their feelings with other people. Sure I can be an “open book” meaning that I have no problem telling you my life story – but when it comes to actual ‘feelings’ I often feel squeamish about the thought of sharing them and tend to keep them inside my poor ol’ brain. At the moment, I have absolutely no friend who I can talk to and share all of my deepest and darkest secrets. Sure I have friends who like to talk to me and unload all of their problems and concerns, and I love to listen to their every word and give advice when needed, but for some reason, I have always found it extremely difficult to share my own feelings with others. Therefore, the inside of my head is usually a jumbled mess of thoughts and anxieties that have been left to stew and brew forever. Sometimes I wish I could shake my head until all of those puzzle pieces came out so I could try to piece them together and make sense of them. But I guess the next best thing is to write about them on here, my blog. Honestly, I don’t care at this point if anyone ever reads this because I guess it’s more like a therapeutic outlet for me anyways. My reviews however, are all for you so please read them 😛

Anyways, the point of this is not to show you how introverted I am, it’s to talk about this weird feeling that suddenly came over me tonight. I had a flashback from 2012 and everything around me began to feel so surreal. In 2012, I temporarily moved to the city (8 hours away from my home town) to attend a different campus of my University (just for 1 semester). I guess I just felt like I needed a change of scenery. While there I would be renting a little white town house with a cheery bright blue door with 4 other roommates (roommates who I have not met before). However, what I did not know at that time was that 1 of those roommates was a male. The landlord told me this was strictly a house for females, and that is why my parents were so comfortable with letting me stay there. So when my parents were helping my move in, they noticed some large sneakers – like size 12 large, and my Dad suspiciously said, “Those girls must have some awfully large feet” Then my mom, trying to make sense of it said, “that probably belongs to one of the girls’ boyfriends” and that was the end of the conversation.

However, a few days later, (after my parents had left) while sitting in the living room with one of my girlfriends, a really tall guy with short curly brown hair, bright blue eyes and a gorgeous white toothy smile walked in. I can’t remember the exact conversation now but I remember saying something like, “who are you?” and he replied with something like “the random guy living in the basement” haha. Anyways, at that point I remember feeling betrayed by my landlord and feeling a tad unsafe having this super tall muscular-looking guy live in the same house as me. Since I don’t want to reveal his name, I will just refer to him as “C” from here on out.

Despite my fears back then, C and I got along extremely well, in fact he was charming, funny, witty, kind-hearted AND – completely harmless. He reminded me of a giant teddy bear that I just wanted to hug. I remember being a little shy with him at first as I was with all my roommates (2 Chinese girls and one local-ish girl), but I am just a shy person in general plus I’m introverted, plus I have social anxiety, plus I am totally awkward. However one night when they all left the kitchen he stayed and sat across from me at the table, we had a one-on-one conversation and I completely felt comfortable enough to open myself up and spill my guts to him, which I must add is an EXTREMELY rare situation as I find it extremely hard to make any connections with others. In fact, I was straight up with him telling him that I was socially “retarded” and that I never know what to say when I’m with someone. I told him that I am shy and that I don’t ever wan’t to be perceived as rude or snobby. Instead of being put-off by my personality, he seemed genuinely fascinated and completely empathetic to me. I could feel that we had made a true human connection and I valued that very much. C quickly became my favorite person living in that house and every time there was a dispute over dirty dishes or some other typical roommate problem I knew he would have my back. C was like the perfect guy, dreamy blue eyes, pearly white teeth, he was also a football player so you can imagine his body-type. His laugh was so charming and addictive and his smile melted my heart. C always knew the right thing to say in every situation, he was also loved by everyone who met him because he was just so laid back and calm. C made you feel good about yourself, when you were telling him a story, he was genuinely captivated hanging onto your every word. C was also a musician and an artist, his sketches were beautiful and he was so creative. I remember telling him that I loved to draw and he asked to see my drawings because he also liked to draw. However when he showed me his work I suddenly felt inferior and didn’t have the confidence to show him my ‘chicken scratch’. One day C even sat and watched the entire process of me and my friends baking cupcakes, he then helped us decorate them. Sounds too good to be true right?

However, my personal preference of guy is an Asian guy, specifically Korean. Yes you can say I have “yellow fever”. Anyways, at that time I was so caught up into blindly chasing around Korean guys who turned out to be complete dead ends that I never even gave C a second thought. Also, I never in a million years thought C would be interested in me. In fact, the thought never even for a second crossed my mind. For some reason I ALWAYS assume that white guys are just not interested in me, I assume I am not their type so I don’t even bother wasting my time. I think it goes back to my days in grade school when I was that fat girl with the bushy, unruly hair. Every time I had a crush on a guy, (a white guy, because my schools only  ever had white people in it) they would pretty much laugh in my face and I would feel so devastated and humiliated. I never had any luck whatsoever and I never even had to confidence to look for a boyfriend until I lost all the weight in 2011. That was when I went to Korea and realized that I could successfully woo Korean men. However, I am still completely blind and oblivious to the fact that guys may actually find me attractive. I am still that fat little girl in my head with the tangled hair and I don’t even consider myself as a worthy candidate.

That’s why when C confessed that he was interested in me it completely caught me off-guard. It even scared me, literally. I remember I made it a point to avoid him everyday. I noticed that whenever I had to leave my room to use the kitchen my door would make a loud screeching sound and C would know I was out of my room, he would then promptly enter the kitchen to talk with me (or that’s what it seemed like to me) it made me feel so uncomfortable. I later fixed the problem by pouring cooking oil over my door hinges so they wouldn’t squeak and I could successfully sneak in and out of my room unnoticed. The rest of my days living in that little white house after C’s confession was about survival. It was about strategically planning my meals, when I would use the bathroom etc. around C’s schedule so I could completely avoid him. It was about entering and leaving the house at certain times so I could successfully miss him. I remember he would wear slippers and they would make this God awful swishing sound whenever he would walk: swish swish swish. I would cringe in my room whenever I heard this sound but it was helpful in letting me know that it was him in the kitchen so I could stay safely in my room until he was gone.

C’s confession was so blunt and to the point, but then again, that’s what I always admired about C, his honesty. I remember he privately messaged my on Facebook (even though he was in his room which was only a few steps away) he said “your some cute, I just want you to know that” immediately in my head I just thought: “Me cute?? Really? He actually thinks that about me?? Why me??” It was out of the blue and completely random but I just took it as a compliment and moved on. He continued to flatter me by assuring I was the best kind of roommate after I jokingly said that I was the worst roommate because all of my grocery’s were slowly taking over all of the other cupboard space. Then he took it a step further by bluntly saying that he was sexually attracted to me from the moment he walked into the door and met me for the first time, and he told me he wanted spend some time with me, either going for a walk or a Disney movie date. Cute right? But I knew he had other intentions and so that is when the avoiding began.

Looking back on this now it all seems so silly, what was I afraid of? Why was I avoiding C when he sounds like the perfect man? If this were high school, he would be the one I was swooning over praying he would look my way. And who cares if he had other intentions? Of course he did, that’s no excuse because we were both adults and that’s what two people physically attracted to each other do, and it’s not like I wasn’t already “active”. To my close friends and family I painted the poor guy to be a monster trying to corrupt an innocent girl. Honestly I have no idea why I reacted this way. I really regret avoiding him because he was a great friend.

To be honest, I have only ever had 1 serious boyfriend in my entire life. (it happened in high school) He was a white guy from my home town and he was chubby, like me. However I would now label our relationship as being (for the most part) strictly ’emotional’ and not ‘physical’ I think I hated myself too much back then to go any further with him, I lacked the confidence and I was scared. Unfortunately, I have only been ‘physical’ with guys who I have dated since my boyfriend and I broke up and since I lost the weight- all of them being Korean. Therefore, I think I am just intimidated by “western” guys. I think it’s because I have been rejected by them my entire life so even now I assume that they are just not interested in me. Another reason is that I don’t know the first thing about flirting or being physical with a western guy, I only have experience with Korean and I’m assuming it’s totally different. I have no confidence whatsoever when it comes to western guys but I am completely confident with Korean guys because they have shown interest in me ever since I have shown interest in them and I have never had a problem ‘wooing’ them. Also, I think for some reason I am a bit of a control freak and I feel that a tall bigger western guy, such as C, is so much bigger than me and I feel so small and inferior to them. but with Korean guys; since they are smaller, I feel more in control and on the same level as them. I don’t really know the answer, these are just some thoughts. I am so rusty on the whole dating game and I have never been very successful. I blame it on my social anxiety and my lack of confidence due to constantly being rejected in the past. I guess for C, it was just bad timing because I obviously wasn’t ready to let him in fully. It’s just sad that he had to somewhat suffer because of my selfishness.

Lately, as my time to move to Korea and start a new life quickly approaches, I am just thinking a lot about my life here and what it all means. I am thinking about the friends I have made here and the friends I have lost, I am thinking about regrets and mistakes. I guess that is the normal thing  for someone to do who is about to leave their old life behind them and move on to a (hopefully) brighter future on the other side of the world. Honestly, it just came over me randomly tonight as I just realized how much I missed the sound of C’s voice and his laugh that used to make me tingle inside. In fact even as I write this I am desperately wrecking my brains trying to remember that lovely sound. And that’s what brings me here now, writing this. I’m not sure why he crossed my mind tonight, I don’t usually think of him these days as it has been almost 2 years now since I was living with him in that little white house with the bright blue door, and I have not seen him since then. That was a time in my life that was very bitter sweet. I made a lot of mistakes in that little white house but I also made a lot of friends in that house. It was a time of my life where I left the safety of my own home and the sheltered environment my parents provided me with to experience the world on my own for the first time, in the city. I shed a lot of tears during that time but I also grew up a lot and now as I edge closer to a new life, I can’t help but reflect upon my life here during the past few years. I guess I am just trying to make peace with my past before I leave here so that I can truly start new. Hopefully I can find some value in my past experiences and learn from my mistakes as I continue on this journey, after all, no one is perfect!

Stephanie xox

Btw, if anyone ever reads this lengthy post in the future, thank you and please feel free to share your experiences or leave your input. I would love to hear all about it. The comment button is kind of disguised but it’s on top right of my posts and sort of circle-shaped and has a number inside (the number of comments), just click on it and comment away.

Reviewing: Etude House Rosy tint Lips

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Hey guys, long time no post! Actually, I have been busy with the whole E2 Visa application process. I’m just trying to get to Korea but the whole process is long and tedious and requires a lot of patience. Anyway, more on that later. For now, lets get straight into talking about the product that’s up for review: Etude House Rosy tint Lips a product introduced for fall 2013. Guys I’m sorry that I am not reviewing any new products but living in Canada means that I have to order all my Korean makeup products online via ebay. I’m not planning on buying any new Korean makeup products until I actually go to Korea because it will be cheaper and I don’t want to buy too many things before now and then since my luggage is building up more and more. So, you will have to excuse me for reviewing older products for now which may or may not still be available in Korean stores but are certainly available for purchase online.

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When I first saw the colors available in this line I wanted to buy almost all of them. This product is awesome! However, I only ended up purchasing 2: Tea Rose and After Blossom. Tea rose is a slight coral nude color and After Blossom is a deep berry burgundy color. The scent is a strong rose/floral scent and the texture is thick and creamy (not sticky). But dries completely matte, a lot like a liquid matte lipstick. The product is dispensed from a hole in the sponge tip by squeezing the tube (really hard).

Without flash on the bottom left, and with flash on the bottom right

Without flash on the bottom left, and with flash on the bottom right

Here are the pros:

1. These are super pigmented and if you wear lip concealer before applying these lip tints, you will get the true color.

2. Since it dries matte, and is considered a “tint” it is very long lasting. You don’t have to worry about constantly re-applying throughout the day.

3. Beautiful colors and amazing color selection. The colors shown in the photo from Etude House is a true representation of how they will look on your lips as long as you use a concealer before applying (if you have a dark natural lip).

4. The sponge tip applicator may be a pro to some and a con to others, depending on your preference. Although it’s ideal for blending the lip color when doing an ombre/gradient look, some may not like how the sponge gets dirty looking once the product stains the white sponge tip.

Cons:

1. This product is really hard to squeeze out of the tube. obviously this is not a major set-back but it can be pretty annoying and is a real workout for your hands – especially if this product is left in a cold environment for too long, I learned this the hard way when I accidentally left it in the back window of my car during the freezing Canadian winter.

2. Although the scent is appropriate for the flower garden theme of these lip products, the floral/perfumy scent may be sickly to some and may remind others of their grandma.

Overall, I love this product and I plan to buy more colors when I go to Korea (if they are still selling these in stores that is).