Diary: There must be a full Moon tonight because I am feeling all kinds of weird…

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I have never been a person who shares their feelings with other people. Sure I can be an “open book” meaning that I have no problem telling you my life story – but when it comes to actual ‘feelings’ I often feel squeamish about the thought of sharing them and tend to keep them inside my poor ol’ brain. At the moment, I have absolutely no friend who I can talk to and share all of my deepest and darkest secrets. Sure I have friends who like to talk to me and unload all of their problems and concerns, and I love to listen to their every word and give advice when needed, but for some reason, I have always found it extremely difficult to share my own feelings with others. Therefore, the inside of my head is usually a jumbled mess of thoughts and anxieties that have been left to stew and brew forever. Sometimes I wish I could shake my head until all of those puzzle pieces came out so I could try to piece them together and make sense of them. But I guess the next best thing is to write about them on here, my blog. Honestly, I don’t care at this point if anyone ever reads this because I guess it’s more like a therapeutic outlet for me anyways. My reviews however, are all for you so please read them šŸ˜›

Anyways, the point of this is not to show you how introverted I am, it’s to talk about this weird feeling that suddenly came over me tonight. I had a flashback from 2012 and everything around me began to feel so surreal. In 2012, I temporarily moved to the city (8 hours away from my home town) to attend a different campus of my University (just for 1 semester). I guess I just felt like I needed a change of scenery. While there I would be renting a little white town house with a cheery bright blue door with 4 other roommates (roommates who I have not met before). However, what I did not know at that time was that 1 of those roommates was a male. The landlord told me this was strictly a house for females, and that is why my parents were so comfortable with letting me stay there. So when my parents were helping my move in, they noticed some large sneakers – like size 12 large, and my Dad suspiciously said, “Those girls must have some awfully large feet” Then my mom, trying to make sense of it said, “that probably belongs to one of the girls’ boyfriends” and that was the end of the conversation.

However, a few days later, (after my parents had left) while sitting in the living room with one of my girlfriends, a really tall guy with short curly brown hair, bright blue eyes and a gorgeous white toothy smile walked in. I can’t remember the exact conversation now but I remember saying something like, “who are you?” and he replied with something like “the random guy living in the basement” haha. Anyways, at that point I remember feeling betrayed by my landlord and feeling a tad unsafe having this super tall muscular-looking guy live in the same house as me. Since I don’t want to reveal his name, I will just refer to him as “C” from here on out.

Despite my fears back then, C and I got along extremely well, in fact he was charming, funny, witty, kind-hearted AND – completely harmless. He reminded me of a giant teddy bear that I just wanted to hug. I remember being a little shy with him at first as I was with all my roommates (2 Chinese girls and one local-ish girl), but I am just a shy person in general plus I’m introverted, plus I have social anxiety, plus I am totally awkward. However one night when they all left the kitchen he stayed and sat across from me at the table, we had a one-on-one conversation and I completely felt comfortable enough to open myself up and spill my guts to him, which I must add is an EXTREMELY rare situation as I find it extremely hard to make any connections with others. In fact, I was straight up with him telling him that I was socially “retarded” and that I never know what to say when I’m with someone. I told him that I am shy and that I don’t ever wan’t to be perceived as rude or snobby. Instead of being put-off by my personality, he seemed genuinely fascinated and completely empathetic to me. I could feel that we had made a true human connection and I valued that very much. C quickly became my favorite person living in that house and every time there was a dispute over dirty dishes or some other typical roommate problem I knew he would have my back. C was like the perfect guy, dreamy blue eyes, pearly white teeth, he was also a football player so you can imagine his body-type. His laugh was so charming and addictive and his smile melted my heart. C always knew the right thing to say in every situation, he was also loved by everyone who met him because he was just so laid back and calm. C made you feel good about yourself, when you were telling him a story, he was genuinely captivated hanging onto your every word. C was also a musician and an artist, his sketches were beautiful and he was so creative. I remember telling him that I loved to draw and he asked to see my drawings because he also liked to draw. However when he showed me his work I suddenly felt inferior and didn’t have the confidence to show him my ‘chicken scratch’. One day C even sat and watched the entire process of me and my friends baking cupcakes, he then helped us decorate them. Sounds too good to be true right?

However, my personal preference of guy is an Asian guy, specifically Korean. Yes you can say I have “yellow fever”. Anyways, at that time I was so caught up into blindly chasing around Korean guys who turned out to be complete dead ends that I never even gave C a second thought. Also, I never in a million years thought C would be interested in me. In fact, the thought never even for a second crossed my mind. For some reason I ALWAYS assume that white guys are just not interested in me, I assume I am not their type so I don’t even bother wasting my time. I think it goes back to my days in grade school when I was that fat girl with the bushy, unruly hair. Every time I had a crush on a guy, (a white guy, because my schools only Ā ever had white people in it) they would pretty much laugh in my face and I would feel so devastated and humiliated. I never had any luck whatsoever and I never even had to confidence to look for a boyfriend until I lost all the weight in 2011. That was when I went to Korea and realized that I could successfully woo Korean men. However, I am still completely blind and oblivious to the fact that guys may actually find me attractive. I am still that fat little girl in my head with the tangled hair and I don’t even consider myself as a worthy candidate.

That’s why when C confessed that he was interested in me it completely caught me off-guard. It even scared me, literally. I remember I made it a point to avoid him everyday. I noticed that whenever I had to leave my room to use the kitchen my door would make a loud screeching sound and C would know I was out of my room, he would then promptly enter the kitchen to talk with me (or that’s what it seemed like to me) it made me feel so uncomfortable. I later fixed the problem by pouring cooking oil over my door hinges so they wouldn’t squeak and I could successfully sneak in and out of my room unnoticed. The rest of my days living in that little white house after C’s confession was about survival. It was about strategically planning my meals, when I would use the bathroom etc. around C’s schedule so I could completely avoid him. It was about entering and leaving the house at certain times so I could successfully miss him. I remember he would wear slippers and they would make this God awful swishing sound whenever he would walk: swish swish swish. I would cringe in my room whenever I heard this sound but it was helpful in letting me know that it was him in the kitchen so I could stay safely in my room until he was gone.

C’s confession was so blunt and to the point, but then again, that’s what I always admired about C, his honesty. I remember he privately messaged my on Facebook (even though he was in his room which was only a few steps away) he said “your some cute, I just want you to know that” immediately in my head I just thought: “Me cute?? Really? He actually thinks that about me?? Why me??” It was out of the blue and completely random but I just took it as a compliment and moved on. He continued to flatter me by assuring I was the best kind of roommate after I jokingly said that I was the worst roommate because all of my grocery’s were slowly taking over all of the other cupboard space. Then he took it a step further by bluntly saying that he was sexually attracted to me from the moment he walked into the door and met me for the first time, and he told me he wanted spend some time with me, either going for a walk or a Disney movie date. Cute right? But I knew he had other intentions and so that is when the avoiding began.

Looking back on this now it all seems so silly, what was I afraid of? Why was I avoiding C when he sounds like the perfect man? If this were high school, he would be the one I was swooning over praying he would look my way. And who cares if he had other intentions? Of course he did, that’s no excuse because we were both adults and that’s what two people physically attracted to each other do, and it’s not like I wasn’t already “active”. To my close friends and family I painted the poor guy to be a monster trying to corrupt an innocent girl. Honestly I have no idea why I reacted this way. I really regret avoiding him because he was a great friend.

To be honest, I have only ever had 1 serious boyfriend in my entire life. (it happened in high school) He was a white guy from my home town and he was chubby, like me. However I would now label our relationship as being (for the most part) strictly ’emotional’ and not ‘physical’ I think I hated myself too much back then to go any further with him, I lacked the confidence and I was scared. Unfortunately, I have only been ‘physical’ with guys who I have dated since my boyfriend and I broke up and since I lost the weight- all of them being Korean. Therefore, I think I am just intimidated by “western” guys. I think it’s because I have been rejected by them my entire life so even now I assume that they are just not interested in me. Another reason is that I don’t know the first thing about flirting or being physical with a western guy, I only have experience with Korean and I’m assuming it’s totally different. I have no confidence whatsoever when it comes to western guys but I am completely confident with Korean guys because they have shown interest in me ever since I have shown interest in them and I have never had a problem ‘wooing’ them. Also, I think for some reason I am a bit of a control freak and I feel that a tall bigger western guy, such as C, is so much bigger than me and I feel so small and inferior to them. but with Korean guys; since they are smaller, I feel more in control and on the same level as them. I don’t really know the answer, these are just some thoughts. I am so rusty on the whole dating game and I have never been very successful. I blame it on my social anxiety and my lack of confidence due to constantly being rejected in the past. I guess for C, it was just bad timing because I obviously wasn’t ready to let him in fully. It’s just sad that he had to somewhat suffer because of my selfishness.

Lately, as my time to move to Korea and start a new life quickly approaches, I am just thinking a lot about my life here and what it all means. I am thinking about the friends I have made here and the friends I have lost, I am thinking about regrets and mistakes. I guess that is the normal thing Ā for someoneĀ to do who isĀ about to leave their old life behind them and move on to a (hopefully) brighter future on the other side of the world. Honestly, it just came over me randomly tonight as I just realized how much I missed the sound of C’s voice and his laugh that used to make me tingle inside. In fact even as I write this I am desperately wrecking my brains trying to remember that lovely sound. And that’s what brings me here now, writing this. I’m not sure why he crossed my mind tonight, I don’t usually think of him these days as it has been almost 2 years now since I was living with him in that little white house with the bright blue door, and I have not seen him since then. That was a time in my life that was very bitter sweet. I made a lot of mistakes in that little white house but I also made a lot of friends in that house. It was a time of my life where I left the safety of my own home and the sheltered environment my parents provided me with to experience the world on my own for the first time, in the city. I shed a lot of tears during that time but I also grew up a lot and now as I edge closer to a new life, I can’t help but reflect upon my life here during the past few years. I guess I am just trying to make peace with my past before I leave here so that I can truly start new. Hopefully I can find some value in my past experiences and learn from my mistakes as I continue on this journey,Ā after all, no one is perfect!

Stephanie xox

Btw, if anyone ever reads this lengthy post in the future, thank you and please feel free to share your experiences or leave your input. I would love to hear all about it. The comment button is kind of disguised but it’s on top right of my posts and sort of circle-shaped and has a number inside (the number of comments), just click on it and comment away.

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