Diary: Please leave me alone

I’m sure we have all experienced the torturous feeling of trying to get over someone who has hurt you.For me, it seems that ever since I lost all my weight in 2011, I find myself doing that more than not. Before I get into this I wan’t to apologize to anyone who may be reading my blog posts lately. It seems that I am always writing about boys. Well I guess it is true, but your going to have to get used to it because being a single girl in her early twenties, It’s inevitable to have some ‘love issues.’ It may be pathetic to have my mood constantly affected by boys, but it’s empowering to write about it here in the open instead of suffering in silence. So here is my story about love and loss. It’s one of many stories that I can share on the subject as it seems to be a re-occurring theme in my life. However, this particular situation is one that is currently plaguing me.

I have been on and off with this guy since December 2012. When I first met him though, I never in a million years thought we would ever be anything other than friends; but then as it so often happens, one thing led to another and then “BAM” things just got complicated. Actually, he was staying at my home with my family and I during Christmas. I felt bad because he was a billion miles away from his home in Korea and had no place to stay (beside his dorm room). Because I didn’t want my good friend to be alone during the holidays, I offered for him to stay with us. At that time my heart belonged to another guy I had met in Korea during the summer, who had just moved to Vancouver. I had my money saved and I was planning to buy a ticket to visit him on boxing day (December 26), but as usual, things changed and I had ended up having to cancel. However, I was somewhat glad because that meant my friend could stay at my house with me and my family longer. One night we were watching a movie on the couch in my room, as we did every night during his stay. But this night something was different. Usually, I would leave my room (where he was staying) early-ish to go to bed (in the living room). I did this for different reasons: 1. because I was afraid that something could happen and I didn’t want to encourage it especially since he wasn’t my type AND I already loved someone else, and 2. I have already been down that road before, my room late at night + an attractive guy + a movie… we all know where this is going, been there done that. However, this particular night I did not leave early like I was supposed too… we ended up watching more than one movie and it was getting later and later, my parents were already downstairs asleep. The movie I chose this time was not the usual ‘safe’ movie that we would watch, it was the movie ‘The Ugly Truth”. The sexual tension in the air was building and was thicker than fog.

Since English was not his first language, he kept asking me what certain words used in the movie meant, words I felt uncomfortable explaining to him. I could feel it so strongly – the tension and I could tell he was feeling it too. I knew very well why I wasn’t leaving and going to bed as I usually would around this time. I also knew why I chose to watch this kind of movie with very sexual undertones. Because to me he just seemed too innocent. It was probably only because he wasn’t using his native language with me and he didn’t know enough English to show me other sides of himself but I think I was doing this because I felt that it was  risqué to try and provoke him to see if a wild side existed. Well it did. The first thing he did was grab my hand during our conversation after the movie. I could feel what was coming next and I kind of froze. I wasn’t really sure how to react as I really didn’t expect him to like me in that way, in fact that is why I was being so bold, because I didn’t think it was possible. Then, in mid conversation he started kissing me… and I’m not going to go into any more details from that night or any of the nights that followed. But lets just say this kind of thing happened a lot. That Christmas was so special, I felt like I had a boyfriend because we would hold hands in public, have cute pet names for each other and other cute things exclusive to couples. However, after Christmas, he went back to living in his dorm at his University (which is 8 hours away) but we would talk on the phone every night for hours and we both made an effort to visit each others town whenever we had the chance. I went to stay with him for about a week during New Years, and he came back to stay with my during our break in February. It was his first time driving to my house. The last time he took a 10 hour bus ride but this time he decided to drive. He was so nervous because he never drove that long of a distance before. He didn’t know how his car would hold up and he was fairly new to Canada so he was unfamiliar with the roads. However, I decided to meet him half way and we drove back together, it was so sweet, and I felt so special that he went through all that trouble just to see me. At that time I was living on campus of my Uni instead of with my parents. Since it was our break, my roommates all left and went back to their home towns to see their families, so it was just me and him there. It felt like we were a married couple. I would cook for him, we would go grocery shopping together and we would watch tv together every night before we would fall asleep. It was so cute.

However, he made sure to come up with every excuse in the book as to why we could never become more than that. And by ‘that’ I actually don’t even understand what ‘that’ was… But still somehow managed to string me along by filling my mind with hope. He had me right where he wanted me.

All I knew was that I was falling in love with him fast and I quickly forgot all about the ‘Vancouver guy’. At that time though, I didn’t understand that to him it was more of a game: Korean guy comes to Canada for the first time and eventually meets a hopelessly romantic white girl who is open-minded toward Asian guys. After months of being lonely, the desperation starts to build more and more inside of him. Me being the easy target, seemed like a good place to fulfill that growing need inside of him. Sure he is a good person, a great person actually but I remember he told me that the main reason why we couldn’t be together was because I had my path all laid out for me, I knew what I wanted to do and that was to go to Korea to teach, but he wasn’t sure what he wanted and he didn’t want his uncertainty to get in the way of my dreams. Seems selfless right? Well if that is the case why does he now have a girlfriend who is a Chinese exchange still living here in Canada, while he is now living back in Korea? What about me? He didn’t even officially end whatever it was that we had, he just cut me off randomly and I didn’t even get any closure. I had to find out about his girlfriend the hard way during one of our conversations and the news cut through my heart like a knife. I guess he figured since we were nothing all along, it would be a clean break. He got all the benefits of a relationship while with me but didn’t have to face any of the consequences because ‘technically’ we were nothing.

I just can’t help but ask myself, what is wrong with me? Why did he choose her instead? Why did he use me over and over and drop me suddenly for her when he knew I was in love with him? Why did he make me believe that he felt the same way but was just being sincere and selfless and that’s why we couldn’t be together?

I know he values our friendship, I’m just not so sure that I’m ready to be his friend because I still have feelings that I’m trying to make disappear. I also know he thinks highly of me and only wants the best for me but why did he toy with me over and over and not even once consider my feelings?

Anyways, next month I will be moving to South Korea, where he is living now. The last time I saw him we were doing things couples do, I wonder what will happen this time. It seems as though he can’t wait for me to go there because he keeps asking me all the time when is the exact day I will be going there because he want’s to see me. He even offered me to stay at his house with his family for a couple weeks. I don’t feel comfortable talking to him though and I feel so mad that he can just talk to me so easily as though nothing at all happened between us. I want to avoid him and ignore him so I never write him first, but he always seems to write me a message and I feel that I can’t NOT talk to him. It’s so hard – I want to get over him, I want to punish him for using me, I want to hate him and I want to move on to not feel the pain anymore. But he just wont leave me alone!

Stephanie xox

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